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[ | | August 12th | | ] |
i have been travling a lot and i'm hardly ever around. i'm home for the next couple hours, i just got back from colorado and nyc. i'm leaving in a bit for west hollywood but i just wanted to get something out of my headdd.
on the airplane i saw something that i just really can't get out of my head. i really loved it when it happened. when we had landed a father saw his son wearing rings that his sister was previously wearing. he told him to take them off, boys shouldn't wear rings. and the boys older brother, probably 7 or 8, said "hey dad.. if he wants to wear the rings let him. there isn't anything wrong with it.. or him if he wears them.. right dad?" they were infront of me. walking off the airplane i saw the little boy and smiled but when i looked at his hands he didn't have any rings on them. young minds are perfect.. not flawless, but in their own way perfect.
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read 20 cmnt
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[ | | July 17th | | ] |
i'm a; butterfly, photographer, diva, vampire, human, vegetarian, model, cat, mermaid, romantic.
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read 17 cmnt
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[ | | July 6th | | ] |
"some day my prince will come
some day I'll find my love
and how thrilling that moment will be
when the prince of my dreams comes to me
he'll whisper 'i love you'
and steal a kiss, or two."
-snow white
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read 11 cmnt
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[ | | July 4th | | ] |
you all want to be me. or date me. or fuck me. or hate me. but i know every bit of that would change if you could see life through my eyes. into the bathroom mirror. my tears are very acidic, and they're beginning to erode away at my cheeks. i'm so sick of relying on people.. for.. everything. happiness, money, sobriety, organization, acceptance, an escape. or maybe just a place in the future, living or striving. i'm so dependent but everyone gives up on me. and being left alone, in tears, is a feeling that is far to familiar for a sixteen year old boy. i may be ahead of my time but i'm not as strong as everyone thinks. i'm terrified and lonely. and i'm sick of pretending. my life is this whole fucking show to you all. everyone is waiting for me to crash and burn. thaey're counting the seconds down until i snap. well you don't need to count anymore because fuck it, I'M NOT STRONG. someday someone won't make me cry, but they'll hold me if i do.
i need a hero.
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read 50 cmnt
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[ | | June 28th | | ] |
i'm sorry about the phone call.
and waking you i know that it it
late. but thankyou for talking..
because i needed to. yea
somethings just can't wait.She told me everyone needed to die.. and i told her i couldn't do it. She cut me and left me dragging myself with razors still inside me. She said it would help. I was bait. Someone saw and screamed. Huge house. So many people. Ice pick in my hand. And i was so little. Se slowly and carefully pulled the razors out before i stabbed the pick through her forhead. I mean i had to. And i had to. And part of me in that alternate reality. My mind in that separate dimension wanted to. i crawled up the basement stairs. Two men, in a room. The woman cleaned me up but they still looked at my cuts. I killed them too. I just kept killing. So many people in one house. and no one knew. I ran to my family. scared. crying. i had just seen the first of my many future flat heart-lined people. sobbing. they didn't suspect a thing. They showed me more bodies. they kept multiplying. was i doing it? I had no control. Was i alone?? cold faces wedged between walls that i had never seen. 'terrifying' said an old woman standing next to me. As i slid the Ice pick under the stairwell. and said "yes.. terrifying" i'm sorry about the phone call.
and needing you some decisions
you just don't make.
kyle lawerence. i called you that night. that i had that nightmare. i don't even know how i got you on my telephone. i don't remember dialing your number. i don't know. i had so many other people i could have called. but you were the one who ended up on my phone. and you calmed me down. and then we fell back asleep. but not before happy birthday to me feb. 15th - conor oberst, started playing through my speakers. i'm sick of the current role you play in my life. be my friend.
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read 4 cmnt
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| i've been meaning to post this for a very long time.. |
[ | | June 28th | | ] |
AUGUST 7TH:
i couldn't say how long i sat in bed, staring at paper. wondering who to address this to. the person who tore open my eyes or the person who tore apart my life. after a while the lead dulled, the eraser wasn't even good in the first place. so i sat down at this desk with new paper.. and a pen this time. ink is permanent, consistent, qualities that are completely essential to me at this point. something you told me you could provide, something i was promised.. something i believed. no one should ever be this vulnerable, but then again not everyone has to experience this weakness. if i maintain this strong independent mask i'm just as much a liar as you are. i'm scared and lost. don't you dare flatter yourself with the credit for that. it's because of what i let myself feel. safe. but you've made it obvious that was a bad choice.
you amplified every emotion i have ever felt. because they were finally honest.. i never wanted to see you unhappy. i thought you'd want the same for me. i was stupid for letting myself feel like this. stepping back from the situation it wasn't the least bit logical or intelligent. but that doesn't make it any less real. i never made you do a thing for me, all i asked for was help. be there for me. that was too much for you? you know whats happening so much more than i do, you have found who you are. you've been set for a while. i wasn't the first person you opened up to. you were mine. it was completely ignorant to let myself feel like this. completely. however i do realize this isn't like every other relationship. i thought you were someone else not because i assumed it, but because i had your word. i'm pulling slowly out of this mess with a lot learned and a lot stronger. you broke down walls in both good and bad ways. and right now i'm scrambling to put them all back up. i'm moving on but not forgetting. i will always be vulnerable to memories.
--devon akley
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read 11 cmnt
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[ | | June 28th | | ] |
to whom it may concern:
i'm sorry you think i'm disgusting. i'm sorry i make you sick. i do have compassion. i do hurt. i never lied until you treated me like a liar. i was entirely honest. don't try and insult me by calling me an addict, you are one too. everyone is really. everyone has problems. i never stick up for myself because i can't with you. i couldn't say a single bad thing, because i don't mean it. everything ended. i'm not narcissistic, NARCISSISTIC, NARCISSISTIC, i hate more about myself than you'll ever know. self-absorbed. of course i'm delusional I THINK I LIVE IN A FUCKING FAIRYTALE. my bed is wonderland. and i never come out. i am cowardly i guess you could say. i'd just say i'm scared. a bossy abusive control freak, a follower, transparent. those are out of anger. most of them are. hurt whatever. i'm going to disregard it all. i don't know how to handle the situation. i don't know how to make it up. i do know you can trust me when i say.. i love you.
and i did read it
even the stupid surveys.
love,
princess catboi.
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read 7 cmnt
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[ | | June 26th | | ] |
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: because i need you
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read 3 cmnt
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[ | | June 25th | | ] |
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she thought back to biology, with the onion cells. intricate, tightly packed together. just like the cell she was trapped in now. and this life she was trapped in. when she looked in the mirror she still saw the little girl. like the skin crawling over scar tissue, she got older but in her head she was stuck. trauma had stunned her in time. she got older but never grew up. she was still the little girl with thin blonde hair. she thought back to when she was 'daddys princess' it made her sick. surroundedby the bars she could never come out. not after what she had done. three AM the blue glow from the television lit up the chair her father sat in and flooded into the kitchen, conveniently onto all the sharp utensils. slowly she creeped behind him, she was older now. he was the reason for all the shame she had ever felt. he had consumed her life. from behind him she could only see his hands on the armrest. she hated those hands. the hands that held her down, the hands that hurt her. his chair smelled of vodka and cigarettes. now its in the junkyard. how morbid would it be to try and get the stains out.. now it was a cold metal chair in an empty room. questions and water. her eyes emotionless she told them she would never feel regret.
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read 7 cmnt
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[ | | June 25th | | ] |
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"A clean break is easier. You can reset it, and it heals, and you move on, but if you leave things messy, and things don't get put right, then it just hurts, forever."
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read 3 cmnt
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[ | | June 24th | | ] |
you know what i do know what to say.
11. do you remember the night.. nights, i explained to what hung above my bed. well just so you dont forget it's a photo of a scene in london. the ground is stone and you can see the tower in the far background. behind the mist and clouds, etc. there are birds all over the ground, some in the air.. flying. everytime i see it i think of you. but what is most important is in the middle of this photo there are two people. a man, and a woman. her leg is slightly raised in the air as they kiss, and she's holding a red and white umbrella.
in my world umbrellas are a deep deep symbol of love.
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read 2 cmnt
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[ | | June 11th | | ] |
armature anesteziology: sinking into the ice water, i could feel my body pushing chemicals up my neck into my head. i was aware of what was going on, i knew i was drifting into sleep.. more like plummeting. an anchor around my ankle, i couldnt stop myself from sinking deeper. and deeper. but i knew what was happening, i wasnt in control. my dreams i'll keep private, but they were so much more than this fairytale life of mine. i try so hard to convince myself of this messed up crazy little fairytale. it's so hard to believe this, and it's starting to make me sick. i could feel my body quickly coming back to reality, the chain cut loose from the anchor. just as i was about to submerge from this watery dream land i loosened my medicated RX sculpted jaw and began to pump the chemicals back into my brain. i was fully aware that i shouldn't be capable of this. but i was consciously putting myself back into this world, sinking back down into the murky waters. this happened several more times. until light creeped through the curtains and i was forced to come back to this..
f a i r y t a l e.
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read 18 cmnt
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